on freedom

on freedom

photo by: roderick henderson

tell me girl: when'd you decide it was time to go on ahead and get free?

trigger warning: i briefly discuss self-inflicted abuse within this blog which can be incredibly triggering and complicated for some to read. 

i.

some people have exact moments when freedom began to knock at their door. when they began to notice its presence.  i don't. not necessarily. maybe 2015 if we need a timestamp.

i just remember that the awakening started to happen. i remember that there was something within me that started to fully believe and trust in the power of the universe. to trust that it knew what my heart desired. what my life craved. and that it would be given. in some form. within some sort of breakthrough.

i remember the feeling: not electrifying. not a jolt. the feeling was more of a settling. like a settling in my body. literally.

let me explain: have you ever felt like you didn't belong in your body? like it wasn't yours. like you were waiting for the day, any day for it to become yours.

this body. this body that i'm housed in has been abused. tremendously. abused by the blows my father used to take to it.

abused by the razor blade that i used to introduce to it when i wasn't so sure about life. when i thought life wasn't so sure about me. abused by the neglect. abused by the starvation. abused because, even though it hurt deeply, it was easier. it was closer.

they say you abuse the one closest to you. the one closest to you feels the weight of all you carry the most. me and my body were connected but fairly disconnected. i wasn't sure we'd ever fully sync up.

but it happened. i settled in. i settled in and allowed the process of healing to happen.

but this. this, i didn't speak into the universe. no, this wanting and this needing and this being ready to heal: i felt that. the universe did, too.

it started to provide me with the tools i needed to make it happen. to allow it to happen. to allow freedom to enter. 

photo by: roderick henderson

photo by: roderick henderson

ii.

i accepted the happening. the blessings. the believing. the lessons. the settling in. the disappointments. the traumas. the processing. the healing. the freedom that was approaching.

i started to accept these devices as mine. as necessary parts of the journey to freedom.

the journey through freedom became:

witnessing situations and blessings coming together or witnessing pieces of my life falling a part and having to return to restructure them again.

accepting the hidden blessings: the people who were removed who didn't need to be a part of the journey any longer.

honoring the words that rained out of my mouth and watered my life. watered the lives of others. the words that allowed growing and healing to happen.

accepting the believing: in the universe and its manifestations. in its blessings and its many lessons.

allowing and welcoming the processing through the traumas: because, you have to heal through those first. you have to make peace with those, first.

working through the disappointments: that the healing wasn't happening right away. (that was okay).

working through the disappointment that freedom didn't seem to be approaching soon enough. (that was okay, too).

accepting the settling. the settling into my body. the settling that had to happen within my body.

the settling where my soul and my body finally connected. 

me and this body had to get free. together.

freedom had to happen within before it could happen with out. 

photo by: roderick henderson

photo by: roderick henderson

iii.

freedom is the weight rising off of your shoulders. it is the settling.

freedom is the accepting: of a past that you despised. of the seeds that it planted. of the growing. of the blossoming. 

freedom is the blossoming. 

it is the knowing that the blessings will rain down; that your cup will runneth over with them.

freedom is knowing that the trials would still rear their presence into your life. but the knowing that you carry all that you need within to handle them a little better each time.

freedom is the healing from (and healing takes time, honor that) and the letting go of the past.

freedom is the absence of fear. the fear that has settled. and found a home in your bones. freedom is telling fear to get gone. that it can't reside here anymore. 

freedom is the 'no' that slides comfortably off of your tongue with no guilt present.

freedom is the peace that settles, marrow deep. it is the happiness that tingles through your body. the happiness that flutters. the happiness that stays.

freedom is the 'yes' to yourself. the 'yes' to your body. the 'yes' to the experiences and the people that make your soul jump up and scream 'hallelujah.'

freedom is an affirmation of self-love. self-awareness. self-care.

freedom is the blessing. freedom is the sigh. the exhale. the amen.

** for me, it is a constant journey. it is a constant working through. it is constantly accepting. it is constantly processing. it is constantly reminding myself of the healing done and the healing to come. the road to freedom is still one that i'm journeying through. still one that i'm learning through.** 

writing prompt: what is freedom for you? what does it look like for you? how does it feel? what parts of you are free? what parts of you are still searching for freedom? what do you need to "go on ahead" and get free?

- anisah amat